The Shoo Fly Algorithm

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Each fly has a DNA sequence.  You decode it, map their flight patterns, and VIOLA!  You can predict exactly why and how they fly the way they do, by fly species, and therefore, once a fly comes into the vicinity you will know exactly where the fly is heading and therefore, exactly where it will be 1 second from now.

I imagine clothing layered with microchips programmed to analyze flight patterns by species .  Once this smart-hat or smart-shirt identifies its subject, it zeros in on the flight pattern and as soon as it is confident that it can predict a particular placement of said subject 'PSHFT!'-a mini air cannon built into the smart clothing fires a tiny yet concentrated burst of air right at the fly.  Should he be a particularly persistent pest, no bother.  The smart-hat or shirt is ready round after round knowing both exactly where that fly is and where he is about to be, repeatedly barring him from his utterly annoying destiny.  Even if you are dealing with the 'Lord of the Flies', he is no match for this technology and he will never be permitted to land on a smart-hat/shirt wearer. 

Eventually, flies will evolve to adjust their flight patterns; but testing in the lab will stay ahead of flies and there will be updates--annual, regional, seasonal, etc.  (Send in $23 to get the 2016 Norton northeastern Mosquito update for all shirts and hats [hats purchased before 2012 may require additional directx drivers)

At first you'll have a switch to select from a half dozen types of your known local aerial pest varieties, but soon there will be remote controls to switch for detection of different species 'on the fly' (no pun intended).  Down the road I envision all of the apparel will come complete with auto detect functionality--the whole process will be automated with a seamless interface.

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First you will see the prohibitively expensive, yet highly effective invention built into shirts at the Sharper Image or in Airplane in-flight magazines; then Sears will usurp the technology.  It will spend a few years spreading like a virus through all manner of lesser and lesser retail chains until one day you'll find it dirt cheap while you are waiting in line at a Walgreens, or a grocery store in Canada, Sweden or even Italy.

This clothing--shirts, hats, etc..will quickly be produced for pennies as the craze sweeps the world, driving  demand through the roof and production costs ever closer to zero.


(commercial being overheard on car radio)  "Who wears Smart Shorts?".... "We wear Smart Shorts!"

Then finally after North Americans and Western Europeans have been utterly saturated with an endless supply of this gear that we are by this point taking for granted, someone will think to map the flight pattern of the kissing bugs that infect so many South Americans with Chagas disease and also all 23 species of the Tseste fly in Africa.

Once that has been done, the Bill Gates foundation will send a super tanker loaded with no frills solar-powered smart-hats and other chip-enabled clothing to Brazil and then Nigeria, the dissemination of which will all but wipe out Chagas, Malaria and sleeping sickness in the entire world.


It may not surprise you I had this stroke of genius out in the yard raking up some grass and working myself into a stroke swinging my big red plastic rake at the same fly for an hour but you know what they say--"Necessity is the Mother of Invention'.  Don't forget, you heard it here first.

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